10 Fraught Valentine’s Day Messages for the Utterly Resigned

‘I haven’t touched another human in eleven months!’

  1. Together for now!
  2. Presents jar of pickles. Sighs. Reads from note. You mean a great dill to — okay you know what, just take the fucking pickles.
  3. Be my rebound?
  4. Did it hurt when you crawled your way out of your host body?
  5. Fuck it.
  6. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m only on this date so I don’t have to contend with the terrifying potentiality that I am going to die alone well not really alone actually but with my iguana and five rabbits and my career and my accomplishments but yes basically entirely alone.
  7. Accidentally sends nudes to boss.
  8. You’re the prettiest person I’ve seen! Tonight. At this Trader Joe’s. In this aisle.
  9. What do you mean you’re fucking allergic?

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