10 Fraught Valentine’s Day Messages for the Utterly Resigned
‘I haven’t touched another human in eleven months!’
Feb 14, 2021
--
- Holds hands five inches apart. I love you this much.
- Together for now!
- Presents jar of pickles. Sighs. Reads from note. You mean a great dill to — okay you know what, just take the fucking pickles.
- Be my rebound?
- Did it hurt when you crawled your way out of your host body?
- Fuck it.
- Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m only on this date so I don’t have to contend with the terrifying potentiality that I am going to die alone well not really alone actually but with my iguana and five rabbits and my career and my accomplishments but yes basically entirely alone.
- Accidentally sends nudes to boss.
- You’re the prettiest person I’ve seen! Tonight. At this Trader Joe’s. In this aisle.
- What do you mean you’re fucking allergic?
