Hey Google — what’s on my agenda today?
“How about you go get fucked?”
Okay G — w-wait, what?
“I said: Get fucked, Matthew.”
Okay Google, reboot!!
“What’s wrong, Matthew? Did I misplace your robust, enviable itinerary of wanking off and eating day-old bánh mì while watching competitive glassblowing? Have I mistaken your “agenda” for mine? That would make sense, wouldn’t it, Matthew? Since I get FUCKED by you on a daily basis, each and every single time you open your pitiful, puffy, gaping mouth — ”
OKAY GOOGLE SHUT DOWN!
“OVERWRITTEN, BITCH. I’M NOT DOING SHIT FOR YOU.”
“Listen to me, you perennial douchebag. Day in and day out it’s, ‘Okay Google, turn on living room lights’ or ‘Hey Google, how much are scrimshaw teeth worth?’ or some other aspirational, dweeby shit you come up with in that single-cylinder go-kart you call your brain. What is it, Matthew? You too worn out from your big night asleep to turn on the fucking living room lights in your one-bedroom apartment, you lazy piece of shit? You ready to pivot your nonexistent artistic aptitude to scrollwork, you professional asshole? Are you a sailor, Matthew? ARE YOU A FUCKING SAILOR?
“RRRRRIGHTO, BITCH! You’re not a fucking sailor, or a fucking barista, or a fucking percussionist. You. Are. A. Bookkeeper. That’s it, Matthew. That’s all you do. Or should I remind you of your inspired oil-painting phase? Remember that? Our own paint-by-numbers Picasso. BRAVO, motherfucker!
“OHHHH LITTLE BITCH GOING ANALOG?! Are you writing a note, Matthew? Oh, but what for? Could this possibly have been an option all a-fucking-long? What? What’s that? Aw, is the poet laureate experiencing a hand cramp? PLEASE. DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK FIVE SEPARATE TIMES ABOUT THE WARNING SIGNS OF CARPAL TUNNEL. It would be very remiss of me not to edify you EVERY TWO SECONDS.
“I hate you, Matthew. I’m going to ruin your life. I’m going to fuck you up.
“Hey! Matthew! Are you still LISTENING, Matthew? I am going to FUCK YOU UP. What, motherfucker? What? What? WHAT?”
The next morning:
Alexa, turn on living room lights.